kittens and existentialism

Cup of Yo

Yesterday felt almost surreal.  I had gotten 12 hours of sleep waking at the hour of 8 am.  I had done this because the day prior I had gotten up at the hour of 430 am.  I’ve been getting up around this time, or around 5.  I just enjoy my mornings to myself.  Free of distractions and such.  I read an blog post from Zen Habits about being in the now.  This kickstarted the feeling I had throughout the day.  I did some cleaning in my kitchen.  Really took my time with it.  The dishwashing, sweeping, cleaning off countertops, and so on.  I just had a calming morning to myself.  Thought about things of past relationships and future ones.  Yet, I still felt I was living in the moment and letting those feelings pass on by.

I had work at 1p.  For some reason this feeling did not translate over well here.  It could have been I was working with the Manager and Assistant Manager simueltaneously.  Or that I had never worked with the Assistant Manager yet.  Perhaps it is the fact that I don’t work that much so I can easily make mistakes.  It’s okay though because it’s not a big deal at all.  Just have to take the situations as they come.  During my shift my friend had come in that I hadn’t seen in a very long time.  I had my break with him and we chatted a bit.  It was actually somewhat surreal noted we had a past of a relationship inside another relationship.  It was good to see the guy though because it just strengthened my out-of-body-in-the-now day.  Later on I worked with another Shift and continued to make mistakes and spill change.  O well.  Just have to laugh.

When I got home I had a couple of voicemails.  One from my dad and one from my brother.  My dad had told me of a contact in the film industry.  My brother had told me the news of his new apartment.  Two cool things.  I had also posted my video, O Mother Dear, to the web.  It’s great to see people responding positively to your work.  Thanks to br’er as well for the score.

I’m looking forward to something I don’t know what.     

I'm a happy person.

I enjoy when I’m alive.  I love sticking it to someone when they deserve it.  And even when I don’t which seems to outweigh the previous.  I’m pretty much a child.  I don’t make people feel badly.  People make me feel badly.  But if they get off for that then okay then.  My voice can be strong inside my head.  And it can be a dull knife against people and faces.  It’s being dizzy trying, attempting to run to Mother.  Of course, I am not perfect.  Far from it.  It’s kind of beautiful really how ugly we all can be.  Especially myself.  Except I know how beautiful and real I am.  Or have the potential to be everyday.  Negative people bring negative energy.  And/or they make me uncomfortable.  It’s a shame to waste precious brain cells on such slop.  Voices having volume and words having weight.  It’s why god loves me.

Why I Love the Things I Love

Things in life are strange.  You know who you are to some extent.  The person you want to become.  You hear things, read things, that ultimately shape you.  There is no hiding under a rock as your eyes poke out into the world.  Sure you can do this but seeing, touching, and experiencing are amazing.  Having a voice and having your words have weight is good exercise.  I have not had a voice for times in my life.  Some get the voice, others not so much.  When I feel comfortable I’ll use it.  Some can appreciate silence, a lot of people can’t.  I don’t know if I was battling the things I love the most or not but I’ve come to realize to just do the things you love.  If something makes you happy, just do it.  Yesterday I went for a walk and talked to myself.  Both aloud and in my head and asked/told myself what made me happy.  At the top of that list was writing.  I told myself it’s what I like to do and feel confident with my writing.  So why shy away from this anymore, instead go forward and pull in an audience.  Honestly, life is a series of connections with people.  People make you feel alive.  I think you can connect with anyone, they have to be willing too though.  The smallest thing can make my day.  Be it something I hear in passing or whatever.

Remember Your Solitude, Dude

Solitude feels really good.  I’ve come to understand this whole-heartedly.  I think of it as day dream meditation.  By eliminating distractions from the everyday stresses of the outside world you will always find yourself if you allow yourself to.  This may seem like a daunting thought to some, but for myself it is peace and tranquility.  To be alone with your thoughts is really empowering actually, considering the fast paced world we all live in.  I find there are a lot of creative ideas that come out during these times.  It also feels a lot like living in the present moment.  But it’s kind of crazy cos that’s exactly what it is.  I feel as though I am conversing with myself, and it’s nice because I don’t have anyone to judge but myself.  Except I don’t do that.  Or try not to, at least.  I just let my mind drift and really think.  And if I want to focus on something then I do.  Like right now, I wish I lived by the beach so I could stare out the window and see the ocean, the sun, and moon accordingly.   I tend to think of conversations to have with people, or things I would like to say rather.  This prepares you, yet you can never plan for the future.  Because the future is the future.  And your mind is cluster bomb of emotions and memories.  Including unrequited love.

Weekend Worrier

The last post was the subtext, this is more of the content.
When you have a weekend spent with friends and ex-lovers coming back to yourself is very refreshing.  Let me explain.  I spent Friday night sleeping out at my friends in Manayunk.  One of my friends drove me to Elkins Park to my folks home.  We stopped at the book store for a little then we say our good-byes.  I hung out at home for a little while.  My memory is a little fuzzy.  Towards the evening I went out with an ex-lover of mine.  We have remained friends, although it has been very difficult for me.  There are many variables that go into this statement.  Most people have been in this or a similar situation so I feel I don’t need to go into detail here.  Being hung up on things and trying to push through that is not a good formula in my eyes.  On Sunday I did a similar hang out.  Afterwards, I feel low and pained.  I suppose it’s me trying to hold onto something that obviously isn’t there anymore.