kittens and existentialism

Die without Anxiety

Yesterday I met Arin Crumley of Four Eyed Monsters. I found out that he would be having a panel discussion at Drexel University. So I opted to go. It was an okay discussion, I was just excited that he was in the same room as I was.

After the discussion I approached him in the hall and told him I was the one who asked about grad school (featured on his blog and this). We had a brief talk and he asked me to lunch! I said yes of course.

My mind was going a bit out of control. It was due to my anxiety. Yes, I was excited for this opportunity in my life. Rarely does this kind of thing happen. The reason being is the anxiety. Or maybe I’m just to myself. I do know that when things like this happen I get overwhelmed and do not function properly. My words don’t sound right. I don’t sound as intelligent as I know I could.

I just seem to forget everything I’ve ever known. Forget my opinions. Forget my thoughts. Or don’t have strong enough ones to survive during conversation. I lack having some kind of consciousness of my mind. It all just seems to go out the window.

Maybe it comes with age. Or pehaps just living. Looking back some I know that I don’t truly “live” everyday. I don’t meet people. I don’t do new things. I don’t create (enough at all). I don’t take risks. I don’t fail. I don’t succeed. There seems to be some kind of trap. I don’t think it’s as bad as I’m making it out at all.

During film school I was unable to do as much as I’d wanted to do. I think a lot of it had to do with my anxiety. Anxiety of working on a set. Anxiety of interacting with people. No creative spark with someone. I realize know that it shouldn’t have been that way. Well, I don’t die after film school. I know the creative person I am but it’s up to me to create. Nobody’s going to do it for me. And saying it doesn’t do anything.

All I know is that I’m 22 and have a long way to go to be who I want to be. There is some sort of foundation there but much room for growth. No sense in looking back. And really no sense in saying that.

Death doesn’t scare me. My mind is wrapped around my youth and my death. What scares me is time. Not making or creating. In a sense, being dead before I die. In all reality there should be no fear at all. Just have to take small steps and learn along the way.

I was nervous approaching Arin Crumley but I knew I had to. I wanted to. And look what happened? He asked me to lunch. Even though I don’t think I presented myself the best way possible I still can say I met him. I definitely don’t want to overwhelm myself with meeting as many people as I can.

Yet, when I do meet people I want it to be like they’re meeting someone too.

And when I die I want to be remembered for the right reasons. Don’t you? I’ve had this idea for a digital gravesite. I’ve told a couple people about it.

I give you the Vimeo channel: sail your soul
and/or the YouTube group: sail your soul
and finally, the facebook group: sail your soul

Open Your Eyes

My eyes have been opened. And they continue to be opened. For I cannot sleep without these words.

I listened to a podcast last night by Steve Pavlina about patterns. So, naturally this has been on my mind. And with the topic of mind patterns can re-occur and re-occur with no light at the end of that tunnel. But I do believe that being concious is a vital first step.

Laying in my bed listening to Chris Garneau’s Music for Tourists, it all just had some sort of new perspective to me. It was because it was really the only thing I was doing. I attempted sleep first with this music on, but I sat up and listened and thought to myself. I began to think…

I began to think of my reality. And what I am putting in front of my eyes. Today I mainly put my animation together on the computer. I was able to do this all day and be pretty okay with being inside. I barely went outside. Once to Walgreens. Once to 7-11. And once to Wawa. I was okay with doing this because I got my work done (or thereabouts). Yet, it is important to realize what I actually did and am doing conciously.

Here, I am not worrying about my patterns and thoughts of the past, more so really fully realizing my life. Stepping outside or away from myself and looking at it from an outsiders perspective. Concious thought breeds concious decisions resulting in wiser choices and thus happier results/reality. And putting this into words is not an easy thing to do yet I felt compelled in my heart to do so.

And I thought about the people in my life. And my Bubby who has past. And her life. And how much fire she has. A followed thought of my Pop-pop and how important he is to me. How I love him so yet don’t see him too often. Nor anyone for that matter. With that said, it is my responsibility for that being the case. The same said with my friends and the list goes on…So I know how important it is to be the real you at all times. Because when it’s over it’s over.

And so I love you even if I don’t know how.

Live in the Heart

As many of you may or may not know, I am very much into self-improvement or personal development blogs. And one of those blogs, Zen Habits, has a forums page where each month you create a challenege for yourself. It is a goal to bring a new habit into your life. Well, my challenge for the month of April is: Live in the Heart.

Subconciously I feel that I do this already. Yet in my own reality there are times when I struggle with this mantra. It is such a beautiful mantra to me. So, what does Live in the Heart mean exactly? Live in the Heart is to say everything you want to say with no holding back. It is doing things that make you feel happy and make you alive and in that moment. Not thinking about the past or the future but that very moment.

We all were children at one point in our lives. This is the essence of living in the heart. And, to me, I’ll never not feel like a child. Even when I’m 90. Yet I do see when this mantra or feeling is not alive within me. For example, if you talk to someone and go along with what they say because you don’t have the balls to have your side of the argument this is exactly the opposite of living in the heart. On the flip side of this, when one thrives on being different or coming from a different angle that is what a lion kitten would do.

I personally feel this when people don’t understand what I’m saying. But there is such beauty in this to me. I feel different and I’m happy being different. This is why I love words. This is why I want to reduce my ego. Why I love (still learning) meditation. Love to write. Think. Dream. Kiss. My words. My solitude. My friends. Music. My fears and anxieties. My youth and death.

So my little kittens, tell people how you feel about them or sit in silence and give them a hug.

Who I Am and Who I'm Not

Not being yourself is quite possible one of the most painful feelings. There are people who know me, those who sort of do, and then those who never will. Well, I believe I am the only one who truly knows me. I am more than okay with that. It’s how it should be. The ones who sort of know me is where the pain comes from. They think they know me but they don’t. They have some idea of me but it’s no where near how I see myself…

If you are friends with someone but your conversations are awkward then that is naturally painful. You can never really show your true self. Or they have an idea of you and if you break that then they don’t know how to take it really. And then say this friend moves away, and so do you. Both of you are at a loss cos neither of you knew each other. And for the rest of their lives and yours they’ll never know you. It brings a sour taste to the tongue.

So. Be yourself. Always. And don’t care about what others think. Thank you.

I'm A Kid Again

If you didn’t already know by now, perhaps you should.
My friends from childhood, Ben Schurr and Ross Lipton, are in br’er.
And this band, br’er, is playing with the infamous Xiu Xiu tonight at the Church. 

It’s kind of funny to know your childhood friends still.  And to see their success, along with all of their “failures” along the way.  It’s a surreal experience really.  Much like listening to their songs.  And so, growing up with these kids, it is nice to see how  that music sounds today at this present moment in our twenties.

The fact that Xiu Xiu is a huge influence and inspiration to Ben in particular is truly amazing in itself.  One day when he says, “Check out this band”, next day he’s opening for them.  So, somewhere in sadness, it’s important to count your blessings.  No matter what you’re doing.

Not to neglect the other members:
I love Luis’ energy.  I love Christian’s distance (not to mention dissonance).  I love Darian’s quiet demeanor yet glue for the band.  I love Roger’s operatic voice.  I love all of you.  Good luck tonight.

Gus Van Sant

I’m certain he’s my favorite now.  Go see Paranoid Park.

Things Get Happy

When there is a time in one’s life to take risks just do it.  It’s very worth it.  Right now I am in this position.  I am finishing my undergraduate career in a couple of months.  This may seem scary but it’s also liberating.  I believe it’s good to know what you like but also not to have a set path.  Life becomes way to boring to live in the same rut day after day.  I put in my last day of Starbucks last Wednesday and boy does it feel good.   It’s odd because suddenly I feel way more alive, spiritually and creatively.  Today felt pretty insane.  There were a few small pieces that ultimately just made me appreciate people and the joy they can bring a human into feeling that they exist.  I ask myself, what do I like to do?  One of those top reasons is drawing, forward-thinking, animation.  I met with my very new friend today to meet up and discuss our project.  I haven’t felt that much creatively flowing throughout my body for so long.  I forgot that possibility.  It felt like that because we were both on the same page, no arguments, just hearing each other’s ideas.  We started the ground work for something I believe will be very close to my heart.  The passion was there from the get go.  When I talked to him after class that one day I already knew it was a good decision.  That is when I feel the most alive.  When someone can just make me feel comfortable yet I can learn from them from the words they bring to me.  It’s truly a blessing.  I got very excited at our rendezvous today and just had ideas galore.  I haven’t felt this good about something, and it’s just such a breath of fresh air to be able to have good feelings about a collaboration and new friendship.  Thank god for Home Movies.